4chan archive /r9k/ (index)
2019-04-19 02:45 52003903 Anonymous (690A27B3-DC80-4A55-BC23-059CE0D9C042.jpg 3000x2000 580kB)
Explain the plot in the bible, but do it overly simplified.

5 min later 52003962 Anonymous (bible sequels.jpg 875x387 74kB)
Old Testament: Some badass fucking shit happens. Hardcore justice. New Testament: Protagonist is a peacenik faggot who forms a cult.

5 min later 52003967 Anonymous
>>52003903 world made, angels did some shit, world flood, jews pick a god, god makes jews kill a lot of people but also get enslaved a couple times, weird prophecy, weird dynasty, dude born, walks around preaching like a bum, people like him, cops don't, public lynching, his followers hallucinate, people a couple of decades later write about dude, and another weird prophecy that will always be about to come true but never will.

7 min later 52003987 Anonymous
>>52003903 god makes world, gives humans free will, we fuck up, he condemns us and fucks around with us until sending his son who dies for our sins and now as long as we repent truly before we die we can go to a party world afterlife

7 min later 52003988 Anonymous
>>52003903 This shows several different incidences during the chrucification of our great lord Jesus Christ, the most muscular of the nazi hedgehogs. Let me explain one of the holy stories: Jesus Christ (Sanic) was chricified, a while after his execution had happened a Roman soldier poked him with a lance into his chest and blood and water flowed out of it. Of course, his friend Maria (Tails) wasn't that happy about it and as shown in the picture, some even believe that she beared Sanic's children.

20 min later 52004163 Anonymous
Prologue: >"k, so welcome to earth. you can eat anything except that tree right over there." >[mouth full] "Oh...this one?" >"what the fuck did i literally JUST tell you?" Chapter 1: >"Hey...um...John?" >"Hmm?" >"I'm pregnant." >"...But we haven't even--" >"I know." >"Did...did you cheat on me?" >"No!" >"Then how..." >"God. God did it." > > > > >"...OK." Chapter 2: >"Jesus. This party sucks and we're out of wine. Do the thing." >"But mom--" >"Do the thing, Jesus, I swear to God." >[sigh] "Fine." Chapter 3: >"So, yeah, that's how I became the Son of God." >"Wow, interesting." >[meanwhile, offscreen] >"Yes, my Lord?" >"Get the nails." Chapter 4: >"That's right. I'm a zombie now, motherfuckers. When I come back, I'mma fuck y'all up good. Watch." Epilogue: [nothing yet]

23 min later 52004207 Anonymous (image.jpg 136x131 3kB)
>>52004163 What if mary really did cheat though.

29 min later 52004288 Anonymous (6018045D-7626-42E3-9B92-69080109B129.jpg 680x680 61kB)
You can't just describe the plot of the Holy manga by making it simplifierad desu.

32 min later 52004333 Anonymous
>>52004288 you can abridge anything, including other abridged series.

34 min later 52004353 Anonymous
>>52003903 Old person lies to young people to stop them from being gay and killing each other

1 hours later 52004835 Anonymous
>>52004163 >chapter 4 lol my bible professor said that if he did a sermon for easter he would make it

1 hours later 52004849 Anonymous
Old Testament: The Jews do some shit and God gets angry at a bunch of people New Testament: Hippie Jew gets born, fucking dies and comes back to fuck shit up

1 hours later 52004903 Anonymous
In the beginning there was the meme, and the meme was with God, and the meme was God and through it all things were memed by Him.

1 hours later 52004919 Anonymous
>>52003903 Everything was pretty sweet, and then women ruined it for everyone. The end.

1 hours later 52004966 Anonymous (1544906736281.jpg 900x1122 225kB)
>>52003903 local man kills himself to prove a point

1 hours later 52005089 Anonymous
Aye then, allow me, since I done actually read most the thing cover to cover unlike you sorry lot. God's having a little giggle with his pet project when all of a sudden lucifer lightbringer decides addy-boy's wife could use a little knowledge. God, the incel that he is, doesn't like it when his toys start breaking the 4th wall with their newfound knowledge so he kicks them out of the playpen. They start doing their own thing for a couple years when god decides 'fuck i'm bored and everyone else is having fun' and strikes a deal with abram, who gets 'ham' added to his name later for being a based nigga. He says "Gonna wipe the save get inna boat and I'll save your family" So he does. He builds the boat and has a long, healthy SIMS lineage, dicks are cut to prove a point, etc. His sons are all fighting over shit when one son, isaac I think (the names don't really matter), gets abandoned in egypt for being a little niglet. He has a spooky dream and saves egypt from famine. Then his negroid massa gets mad because the wife who wanted to fuck him lies and says he fucked her anyway when he specifically said he wasn't into NTR and kicks poor isaac out and goes gas gas gas on the other jews. Isaac had a son, moses, who after being saved by being in a river (niggers can't swim) becomes a wizard, who uses his terrible magic to zero out the pharaoh's credit score. The pharaoh gets sick of it and exiles the stupid jews because nobody liked them anyway, where they live on sky beans in the desert for 40 years before infesting another land, the land of Israel. Then there's leviticus. Just so you know, leviticus wasn't written by leviticus, it means pertaining to the tribe of levi, so theoretically you can just ignore it because you ain't of the tribe of levi (probably). Next is numbers, which is just the jewish draft and taxes. And finally, deuteronomy, where I forget what happens but ya nigga moses dies and people start fighting over land for the next 500 pages.

1 hours later 52005114 Anonymous
>>52005089 >strikes a deal with abram Oh shit sorry my bad he strikes a deal with Noah, then with Abram who is his son. That's the whole dick cut thing, y'know, 'your family will live a thousand generations if ya vampire a dick lmao'

1 hours later 52005170 Anonymous
>>52004966 Jesus is literally just that fucking roastie from netflix

1 hours later 52005175 Anonymous (16742743.gif 501x585 13kB)
>>52003903 Here's my summary of the Old Testament. I am a former orthodox jew. First five books (Torah) >God is good and creates shit >Humans fuck up a lot >He fucks with them as a result >He also wants people to prove their loyalty to him all the time >The Jews are gods chosen people and others are being dicks to them >God helps the Jews every single time with magic >Here's a book with a lot of fucking rules that for the most part don't apply after the bronze age Afterwards (Neviim, 'Prophets') >The Jews take their promised land and fuck with a lot of the other people with gods help >They build a bunch of shit >The politics and kings of Israel have a lot of drama >More drama happens and god gets mad at people >God gets disappointed and shit and fucks with the Jews Last books (Ktuvim) >Random stories of Jews doing cool shit >More rules That's it basically.

1 hours later 52005252 Anonymous
God: Here's some laws that you should follow since you fucked up the one rule I had. I will only love you if you follow them correctly. >lots of years later >Jesus is here Jesus: YOOOO FUCK THE PHARISEES GOD ONLY NEED LOVE GIVE TO GOD WHAT IS GOD ROMAN COIN GO TO ROMAN LOVE YOUR BROTHER GET THIS SHIT OUT OF MY TEMPLE ME AND MY NIGGAS OUT HERE SPREADING THE WORD FEED STARVING LISTENERS YEAH Pharisees: We heard that and we don't like that. Die. Roman do something. Infidel. Pilot: Shit my nigga you innocent but these guys picked the literal version of el chapo over you so shit I gotta do it. Jesus: Forgive them for they know not what they do, it is finished. *Dies* *Disciples do DLC Stories. Jesus comes back, says hi, and leaves once again. John smokes crack and writes Revelations. The end.

1 hours later 52005357 Anonymous
Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so.

2 hours later 52005636 Anonymous
>>52003903 Let this beautiful animation fill in your souls with what really happened https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uCT JnkpoRSg

2 hours later 52005667 Anonymous
>>52005636 Absolute classic. Does Cyber8 still upload?

2 hours later 52005713 Anonymous
>>52005667 Nah, I don't think so. Latest video he uploaded was a pussified version of his donald duck video(which was 1 year ago) . Luckily (((they))) didn't take his channel this time tho. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCm 0nSjfICjm9XkjhyRkripA/videos

2 hours later 52005739 Anonymous
>>52003903 >lmao I'm bored let's create the world and shiet >lmao I'm bored, let's make a bet with my bro Satan that I can ruin this cuck's life and he will still love me >lmao I'm bored, think go to earth and impregnate some guy's wife >and so on

2 hours later 52005817 Anonymous
>>52003903 God selects some people to be his chosen enlightened but they constantly fuck up and do dumb shit so eventually he says fuck it and sends his son down to do their work for them and tell them that their special role is being taken away and given to anyone who will work for it.

2 hours later 52005942 Anonymous
>>52005713 Oh that kinda sucks. I remember when he uploaded his restricted videos to a porn site.

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