4chan archive /fit/ (index)
2013-05-17 04:57 20003276 Anonymous (1347396478599.png 297x331 223kB)
>Be me >20 mins ago >finish intense fucking workout >jump in shower >mom leaves for work (works nights) >I'm taking a shower playing music from a zyzz playlist >start singing and yelling "we're all gonna fucking make it" and things of the like since mom's not home >washing my asshole >bend over and spread cheeks so water can rinse soap away >still yelling "we're all gonna fucking make it cunt" and "im a sick cunt" >Mom forgot something from work and came back inside and heard me yelling >bursts in bathroom >sees me spreading my asscheeks, blasting dance music, and yelling >we make eye contact >she quickly leaves and then leaves for work without saying a word What the fuck do I do /fit/? I don't think I can ever talk to my mom again.

1 min later 20003310 Anonymous
>>20003276 This is my favorite copy pasta

1 min later 20003312 Anonymous
You're a weird guy, OP.

2 min later 20003330 Anonymous
>>20003310 >Implying it's copypasta what do i do? this is going to be so awkward when my mom gets home.

3 min later 20003349 Anonymous
>Mum working nights Is she a prostitute?

3 min later 20003351 Anonymous
>mom intentionally walks in on you in the bathroom >descartes.jpg

4 min later 20003364 Anonymous
>>20003276 > spread cheeks so water can rinse soap away every time i shower i do this and wonder if everyone else does it too. ty op.

4 min later 20003371 Anonymous
These kinds of stories are so lame. Who would burst into the bathroom when they could hear the shower? Even then it'd be so simple to explain: "haha just singing in the shower mom"

5 min later 20003382 Anonymous
>>20003276 you walk up to her and say "why the fuck would you burst into the bathroom when I was in the shower? have you no concept of privacy?"

5 min later 20003384 Anonymous
>>20003364 >>20003276 holy fuck me too >tfw not alone OP just show your mom this thread and she'll see it's a common thing!

5 min later 20003385 Anonymous
she wants the d.

5 min later 20003389 Anonymous
>>20003349 No, she works for a hotel. Manages the front desk for a few hours because its basically free money to just sit around. >>20003351 b-but i don't find her attractive

6 min later 20003398 Anonymous
>>20003371 I don't know about you but when my family are in the shower/bath toilet I walk in on them

6 min later 20003399 Anonymous
>>20003276 Buy a shower curtain. Jesus Christ.

6 min later 20003402 Anonymous
>>20003364 There's really no way around it. You've gotta wash your asshole.

6 min later 20003403 Anonymous
>>20003276 OP how exactly did you get her to walk in? I've been doing this EXACT thing every night for the past 5 months, but can't get her to open the door..

6 min later 20003410 Anonymous
What do you do? Next time ask her to check your prostate while gently carressing your back like dad used to do for you

8 min later 20003432 Anonymous
>>20003364 i take the shower head and blast my b-hole from about 5 inches away >get dem crusties off >feels good

9 min later 20003453 Anonymous
>>20003432 >Not putting the shower head up your anus >Thinking you're clean

9 min later 20003458 Anonymous
>>20003364 >>20003384 lol you're welcome >>20003371 >>20003382 it's not easy to explain why you're bent over spreading your asscheeks. >>20003398 thats weird brah >>20003399 >implying it's not a shower with glass doors >>20003403 start yelling "we're all gonna make it cunt" probably sounds like "we're all gonna make it cum" through the door.

11 min later 20003492 Anonymous
Fuck I haven't laughed that hard at anything in days.

12 min later 20003510 Anonymous
>>20003364 I do it but then I have to wash my legs and feet extra because it feels like they're covered in shit water.

13 min later 20003534 Anonymous
>>20003389 >works nights >spends said nights in hotels i smell a whore

14 min later 20003549 Anonymous
I doubt this is real but you can play this off pretty normal. Tell her you've been listening to some heavy metal yesterday, and you were singing a song you like. The asshole thing is pretty normal. Tell that bitch to knock next time, too

15 min later 20003568 Anonymous
>>20003492 This shit isnt funny. Its going to be so awkward. >>20003510 protip: they are >>20003534 idk man i guess i really don't know what my mom does.

18 min later 20003621 Anonymous
just don't bring it up, and act like nothing happened. I've walked in on people doing some weird/questionable things (including family members). just try not to make a big deal I dont think I've been on the other side of the table though

19 min later 20003628 Anonymous
My mom and your mom should be friends

19 min later 20003632 Anonymous
>>20003621 it sucks. i feel like a faggot. >>20003628 why is that?

20 min later 20003639 Anonymous
You guys bend and spread your cheeks? It's easier to soap up and then let the water run through and use your hand to clean.

21 min later 20003669 Anonymous
>>20003632 They sound like they would like each other

22 min later 20003677 Anonymous
You know she does the same shit. Why the fuck did she bust in the bathroom anyways. Why are you living with your mom? >>20003632 You are a faggot.

22 min later 20003696 Anonymous
>>20003639 >tfw accidentally slip a soapy finger into your anus >dat burning >dat need to fap now

22 min later 20003697 Anonymous
>in painting class >finally talking to really silent girl I've been eyeing for weeks >she's pretty cute >we start talking about music and we like a lot of the same shit >she mentions Joy Division >without saying anything I make a gesture telling her to hold that thought >I get excited and decide to get the burned copy of Closer I have in my car >two minutes later I return with a disk with "closer by joy division" written on it in sharpie >I'm all sweaty because the parking lot and my car was hot >show her the disk >"...um, cool. Did you just go get that from your car?" >"Oh, yeah I did. I like Joy Division too." >silent for the next two hours of class >avoiding eye contact at all costs

23 min later 20003714 Anonymous
>>20003697 lol solid effort m9

23 min later 20003715 Anonymous
>>20003639 Looks like someone doesn't know the joy of having a shower head spraying on your anus. That shit will turn you on faster than big black nigger lips on your johnson.

24 min later 20003717 Anonymous (teric.jpg 400x400 61kB)
>tfw i was like 14 years old living with my mom >she's not home >calls me and asks me to take sheets off her bed and throw em in washer >take sheets off, lift up pillow, and find her vibrator >smell it >mfw

25 min later 20003741 Anonymous
ITT: One insecure highschooler unable to cope with the fact his mom seeing something she saw every day for the first couple years of his life. Get over it, don't talk about it. This whole thing will blow over.

26 min later 20003756 Anonymous
>>20003677 I'm not exactly sure why. I'm living with her because I'm going to college close to my house so why not? its free except for my food. >>20003717 lel

26 min later 20003766 Anonymous
>>20003715 n-no homo

29 min later 20003831 Anonymous (13684187699971.jpg 400x300 40kB)
>>20003276 Please tell me you made eye contact while you were still bent over, head between your legs, with your dick flopping over half of your face, and the only thing you did was smile to try and make it less awkward.

30 min later 20003849 Anonymous
>tfw accidentally just washed my face with the part of the towel i use to wash my junk/bhole.

31 min later 20003867 Anonymous (1365974992702.jpg 424x394 18kB)
personal cringe >be 13 >hitting puberty >feel the need to constantly bang my dick on everything >at grandma and grandpas house with mom and dad to eat >go to the bathroom >Victorias Secret magazine on the counter >instantly get hard as fuck >fap >family wonders where I was >tell family I have the shits >after dinner >fap again >realize I'm never going to have this opportunity again >time to leave >try to smuggle it with me by placing it under my shirt and between my skin and waist of my pants >going according to plan >go outside to the cars to leave >feel it slipping >oh fuck >it slides down my thigh and is now poking out my pant leg >dad sees it >asks me what it is >try to hide it >he grabs it and picks it up >holds it up for everyone to see >mfw

32 min later 20003883 Anonymous
>>20003849 >not doing it on purpose

35 min later 20003964 Anonymous
>>20003867 oh god

36 min later 20003971 Anonymous
>>20003867 That actually sounds awesome

36 min later 20003981 Anonymous
>>20003867 HOLY SHIT my god im fucking dying here.

37 min later 20003990 Anonymous (1318401783674.png 196x228 48kB)
>>20003867

38 min later 20004003 Anonymous
>>20003867 just be happy it wasn't gay porn or dog fucking like some other unfortunate souls on this site

44 min later 20004102 Anonymous (1320010207400.png 159x224 20kB)
>parents work weekdays >its monday, wake up and feel like pulling out the flesh light >put it into the bathroom sink with some warm water to heat it up >go back to my PC >hear voices and someone enter the bathroom >OH FUCK ITS A PUBLIC HOLIDAY >heart racing, thinking about suicide >mom walks into my room holding it >"What are you doing with this anon?"

49 min later 20004164 Anonymous
>horny 14 y/o >create makeshift towel, latex glove fuckhole >keep it in room, barely hiding >blew more than 15 loads in it, thinking it wouldn't smell (lol) >mom goes to my room to 'clean up' >tells me she found the towel >"Did you have to take one of the good ones?" >dont make eye contact or speak, just stand shamefully >never mention it >burn towel in forest

49 min later 20004175 Anonymous
>>20004102 I've always wanted a fleshlight but i could never face the constant degradation of cleaning your semen out of a plastic pussy.

50 min later 20004182 Anonymous
>>20004164 lol >>20004102

52 min later 20004219 Anonymous
>>20004102 what did you say?

53 min later 20004243 Anonymous
>>20004164 funny, I did a similar thing, but I just used a drinking glass and filled it with a bunch of socks. squirt some hand lotion into that bitch and you have a fleshlight. feels good man

54 min later 20004264 Anonymous
>puberty >cum into socks >one sock skips a few washings >becomes yellow >reeks of an intense, rotten semen smell >I gag every time I wack off into it >so crusty from semen it can hardly move out of position >mom does the laundry while I'm at school >she washes that sock >never say anything ever

54 min later 20004272 Anonymous
>>20004243 >socks Sounds... coarse.

57 min later 20004322 Anonymous
I've never masturbated with a sock before.

58 min later 20004340 Anonymous
>>20004102 >>20004164 >>20004243 what was so wrong with traditional masturbation ?

1 hours later 20004372 Anonymous
>>20004322 you never plan for it you are just about to bust and grab what is nearby

1 hours later 20004373 Anonymous
>>20004340 gotta keep the body guessing

1 hours later 20004391 Anonymous
>>20004272 with enough moisturizer that shit was super slick.

1 hours later 20004395 Anonymous
>>20004102 Come home from work one day. (MY home). Dads truck is out front. Go in and he's working on my bathroom sink. Realize I left my dildo and fleshlight sitting upright on the counter to dry off. Who the fuck cares what he thought. Its my fucking house

1 hours later 20004403 Anonymous
>>20004272 of coarse it does it's a sock

1 hours later 20004428 Anonymous
>>20004395 why do you have a dildo

1 hours later 20004436 Anonymous
>>20004372 I bust on my stomach and wipe it away with my comforter.

1 hours later 20004465 Anonymous
>>20004428 Why don't you?

1 hours later 20004501 Anonymous
>>20004465 the funny thing is i do i bought it for my ex-girlfriend but she didn't want it so i guess i wound up with it it's hiding in my room in my parent's house, i'm pretty sure my parents have seen it before and think i'm gay or something

1 hours later 20004534 Anonymous
>be 16 >be fapping on my bed, noone is home >suddenly windowwasher appears in front of my window >run to hallway with my pants on my knees >no windows there, still hide in the darkest corner >hearing them finishing up cleaning >doorbell rings, they want payment >nope.jpeg >few weeks later, behind my pc, window washer comes up again. >lock eyes, he starts laughing >tfw

1 hours later 20004538 Anonymous
>>20003276 Find your moms dildo and shove it up your ass.

1 hours later 20004553 Anonymous
>>20004264 Had the same situation but with a jerk shirt. She found it washed it and said nothing. It almost feels worse than being caught just because you don't know what they did or thought afterwards

1 hours later 20004574 Anonymous (1358814359866.png 173x167 1kB)
>>20004534 >windowwasher >Being rich enough to have a windowwasher >Being retarded enough not to always leave blinds closed when fapping

1 hours later 20004614 Anonymous
>>20004553 Ill tell you what she's thinking. You're a lazy fucking slob for not doing your own laundry.

1 hours later 20004648 Anonymous
>>20003364 i go hard on my ass hole, ass crack, taint and between my legs. you wouldnt want any fungal shit going on there anyway chuckled. pretty funny

1 hours later 20004657 Anonymous (I have a feel.jpg 185x400 31kB)
Those feels. >10 years old >wake up at 4 am everymorning cause i'm a hyperactive fuck >Cpu in my room >Time do wank.jpg >Lock door >10 mins later hear nocking on said door >Dad >FUCK >Asks why door locked, and I took so long to answer >No good reason, I'm fucking 10 >go to school >worst fucking gut wrenching feeling in stomach all day >Come home, dad read search history. First time I ever got caught. >Lose cpu for 3 years.

1 hours later 20004737 Anonymous
>>20004657 > ..I was so happy when he gave me my computer back yesterday....

1 hours later 20004757 Anonymous
>>20004574 Its just 15 euro's, they come once a month and do all the outside windows

1 hours later 20004760 Anonymous
>>20004737 Ha no I got it back when my parents got divorced. Now I live with him. Guarantee you he watches porn.

1 hours later 20004805 Anonymous
>>20004657 When I was fifteen I had the computer rigged to the door so that when it opened the encyclopedia Britannica website would open up on the screen. Dad was too stupid to look up the search history

1 hours later 20004829 Anonymous
Is this a story thread? >be me this morning >going to last physio lab >get there and Professor tells class to drink alot of water right now >Urine test lab today >randomly ask professor if pee cups we use are sterile >discretely grab an extra cup as I walk out >stop by campus store on the way to bathroom >buy some green tea >Pee in one cup >Green tea in other Now back in class >look around room and find the most obnoxious lab group >4 mediocre, entitled, stuck up bitches >approach there table >my facail expression and voice are 100% serious at this point >"Excuse me, can I ask all of you a question?" >"What is it, Anon?" >"I was just wondering if my pee looks healthy to you guys." >lab groups around me hear this and starts chuckling >table seems kind of annoyed >"UHHH....what the hell are you talking about?" >"Do you think I might have diabetes from the way my urine's colored. I just wanted to be safe and ask is all." >Entire lab has stopped what they're doing and is looking over and laughing at how stupid this must sound >"You can never be to sure-" >Tits McGee chimes in with her sassy attitude >"The only way you can tell is through blood tests and tasting it. AND GUESS WHAT, we dont have any blood tests" >at this point me and this girl are glaring at each other >last for a good 4 seconds or so >I then shrug and was like "Well ok" as I nonchalantly unscrew container lid >Their eyes go from "get lost" to "what the fuck" >raise container to my lips and take a swig >the only sounds are of gasps and chairs scraping against the floor as people stand up quickly to see what just happened >smack my lips together >"Hmmm...doesn't taste like Diabetes" >girls is in shock at what just happened >look her in the eyes >"better safe than sorry" >chug rest of container >att this point professor is in disbelief >finish and here guy at other table laughing >"it's probably just apple juice" >every had a good laugh about it afterwards >everyone except Tits McGee

1 hours later 20004833 Anonymous
>>20004805 Ha my fucking step mom worked as a computer tech at Ibm for a while and he sons a programmer. I got fucking net nanny when they found out.

1 hours later 20004837 Anonymous (kill myself.jpg 318x415 122kB)
>Live in Vegas, near a casino >Walk home everyday from bus stop >Every once in awhile found these cards with censored nude woman on it >Begin to collect them to fap to >On a lucky windy day get a magazine >Hide everything in my Simpsons Fun Things to do on a rainy day book (Or something like that) located in my closet >Eventually amass enough that the book is noticeably large >Parents do spring cleaning >The book is large enough that its the first thing they notice

1 hours later 20004838 Anonymous
>>20004657 3 years .. were you raised at westboro baptist church or somethin

1 hours later 20004848 Anonymous
>>20003867 Your dad sounds hilarious.

1 hours later 20004856 Anonymous
>>20004657 I'm in college for Comp Sci and my interest in computers comes from trying to find out ways to get past the computer passwords and blocks.

1 hours later 20004881 Anonymous
>tfw 20 and thought girls peed out of their vaginas until last year

1 hours later 20004921 Anonymous
>>20004881 Well, you weren't really wrong. Just not right, either.

1 hours later 20004930 Anonymous
>>20004856 Ha well this probably isn't the right thread for this, In fact I know it isn't, but what the hell. You know anyways to PERMANENTLY delete your search history? Like I use incognito and I blatantly know that shit doesn't work but I still watch porn. My step mom taught my dad something and he can see everything I looked at incognito. I know that there's no absolute way, but how would he be doing this?

1 hours later 20004934 Anonymous
>>20004856 My parents tried that net nanny bullshit on all the computers. I had linux installed parallel to windows anyways. Two months later had to show them how to forcibly remove it when they forgot the password

1 hours later 20004967 Anonymous
>>20004930 >PERMANENTLY delete your search history Don't you just...delete your search history when you're done? Never really had that problem because I didn't watch porn until I had my own computer.

1 hours later 20004968 Anonymous
>>20004934 Net nanny needs to be shut the fuck down. I couldn't even go on myspace. Which was cool at the time.

1 hours later 20004969 Anonymous
>>20004930 You're http requests are most likely being logged at the router. Google Tor

1 hours later 20005002 Anonymous
>>20004967 Apparently there's more to it than that. My dad told me specific websites( with quite unusual names (Ex. Whaletales, Big bodacious.... you know whats good)) Tfw when your dad finds out your into anal but says nothing.

1 hours later 20005149 Anonymous
>have ensure in bedroom >always fap while sitting on toilet (not shitting) >lay a towel over the seat cause it's more comfortable >over the months, towel has cum stains all over it >usually throw towel back into cupboard, whatever >one day look into cupboard, towel was perfectly folded They know they know they knowww

1 hours later 20005156 Anonymous
>>20004837 mate if you walk the strip you'll get like 50-60 of those cards, doesn't need to be a once in a while thing

1 hours later 20005158 Anonymous
>>20005149 *ensuite

1 hours later 20005184 Anonymous (1362792441004.jpg 553x567 99kB)
>>20004934 >14 >parents get me the cheapest Dell they have as a Christmas present >put passwords and check the history every 10 minutes when I'm on the net >figure out how to add accounts and change passwords when in safe mode >add an account >do nothing but hoard megabytes of porn >they think I never use it >I'm just using it to fap when they're not home >one day it goes on the fritz and dies >stepdad asks about it >says he wants to get it fixed >remember all the porn on the hard drive >dont want him to find out >it's getting fixed in a week >everyday I attach magnets over the entire surface when my parents aren't home >regularly spit inside of it >it goes to get repaired >says it's beyond saving >mfw

1 hours later 20005216 Anonymous
>>20005156 It's like saving porn but you save it just in case you want to fap to it again later. And I didn't live on the strip so getting a card was only if I was lucky enough to find one on the floor because I wasn't brave enough to open the things.

1 hours later 20005258 Anonymous
>>20004829 thats pretty niceee

1 hours later 20005329 Anonymous
>not fapping to the SEARS catalog yeah you sell those mom jeans you whore

1 hours later 20005393 Anonymous
>>20005329 Bwahaha!!!! I forgot all about that!!!! Thats the first time little johnnie (me) realized he was gay. > *flip* boobs*flip* boobs *flip* boobs.. > *flip* men's under... *boing* huh?

1 hours later 20005421 Anonymous (1359230506793.jpg 480x480 66kB)
>>20005329 10/10. my sides have left this planet

2 hours later 20005446 Anonymous
>>20005393 no one cares about you discovering youre not a man. no one asked for it. fuck off to /lgbt/

2 hours later 20005469 Anonymous
>>20003276 >Be me at age 14 >Computer is in different room at the end of the house >Looking at extremely obvious porn sites and jacking it (that glorious feeling when masturbating and looking at porn was still relatively new) >Hear my mum coming >Instead of closing window like a smart person, just open up google in a new tab and search something random (I was freaking the fuck out, hence not thinking properly) >Asks me to search something up for her >Do so >A minute or two passes without her saying anything. >She leaves >Think to myself "Whew, that was close" >Huge cold, sinking feeling in the bottom of my stomach when I realised what she must have saw. Oh fuck. >Can't even finish masturbating out of guilt and shame.

2 hours later 20005504 Anonymous (vs-3032_spray1.jpg 460x480 174kB)
>not having a detachable shower head >not using it on your balls while you fap in the shower and cum buckets

2 hours later 20005533 Anonymous (trunk anon.png 1050x570 141kB)
remember this fucking guy??

2 hours later 20005559 Anonymous
>>20005533 jesus that's hilarious

2 hours later 20005573 Anonymous
>>20005533 Oh. My. Fucking. God. What the hell happened after that?

2 hours later 20005575 Anonymous
>>20005533 That was a glorious thread. What ended up happening? If I remember I fell asleep without the update on

2 hours later 20005637 Anonymous
>>20005533 >Not just fapping in the shower

2 hours later 20005683 Anonymous
>>20003432 >>20003453 classic /fit/...classic

2 hours later 20005843 Anonymous (waterwing.jpg 261x317 26kB)
>be 14 >make makeshift fleshlight from a waterwing >fill it with lotion while my mom is out picking up my sister >she decides to come right back in and see if I want to go get my sister with her and go to dinner with them >opens my door >"Do you want to c-" >Throw the lotion covered waterwing on the floor and it leaves a streak of lotion >Try to cover myself with my blanket >She turns 360 degrees and walks out >closes door and asks me through the door if I want to get myself cleaned up and come to dinner with them >embarassed >tell her no and that I'll see her when she gets back >wait until I know shes gone, finish up >go make pizza rolls

2 hours later 20005857 Anonymous
>>20005446 >on /fit/ >straight pick one

2 hours later 20005885 Anonymous (1364603059313.gif 404x416 208kB)
>>20005843 >it leaves a streak of lotion

2 hours later 20005889 Anonymous
>>20005843 I just remembered I wanted to make one out of those sockem boppers when I was younger. Never did try it. [spoiler]Is it good?[/spoiler]

2 hours later 20005893 Anonymous
>>20004574 he pays them so they can "accidentally" stumble upon him masturbating.

2 hours later 20005902 Anonymous
>>20005184 only megabytes? step it up son

2 hours later 20005933 Anonymous (1359731690587.gif 390x640 1128kB)
>>20004175 >It's real if you make it real

2 hours later 20005954 Anonymous
>>20005889 Yes. It was the bomb.

2 hours later 20005964 Anonymous
>>20005843 >do you want to c- should have let her finish

2 hours later 20006097 Anonymous (mfw.jpg 595x656 173kB)
>>20005533

2 hours later 20006148 Anonymous
>>20005933 oh my fucking god what is that a robot bomb

2 hours later 20006170 Anonymous
>>20005843 >turns 360 degrees and walks out >spins in a full circle, then turns around another 180 degrees and exits Interdasting

2 hours later 20006174 Anonymous
>>20005964 She should have helped him finish. Do american parents really not help there kids masturbate?

2 hours later 20006222 Anonymous
>>20003364 I workout in the mornings shortly after I shower so I always try to rinse any residue off so that when I sweat it won't make the entire gym smell like fecal matter.

2 hours later 20006224 Anonymous
>>20006170 Hello newfriend :-) Now GTFO fatty

2 hours later 20006245 Anonymous
>>20003398 I smell a Eurocunt

2 hours later 20006251 Anonymous
>>20006222 >working out after you shower wat

2 hours later 20006291 Anonymous
>>20004829 tl;dr Just skipped right over it.

2 hours later 20006302 Anonymous
>>20003717 I hope she wasn't plump.

3 hours later 20006319 Anonymous
So wait, you guys put soap ON your asshole? Doesn't that sting?

3 hours later 20006362 Anonymous
>>20003432 fuck yes

3 hours later 20006364 Anonymous
I don't why god decided that I deserved this >dad diagnosed with anxiety and depression >doctor reccomends that he take fish oil and vitamin d >comes into my room one morning to wake me up >sees an old bottle of vitamin D that i have >empties my come into his hand >i pretend i'm asleep >never speak of it this will forever haunt me

3 hours later 20006382 Anonymous
>>20006364 you ejaculate in a vitamin D bottle?

3 hours later 20006406 Anonymous
>>20005002 Why would he say anything? Anal is normal as fuck. He's probably destroyed your mother's ass by now anyway.

3 hours later 20006414 Anonymous
>>20006364 >empties my come into his hand >i pretend i'm asleep >never speak of it There are no words to describe how I feel.

3 hours later 20006426 Anonymous
>>20006382 at any given moment since i was 14 there would be, within a foot or two of my bed, an inconspicuous container that is designated for exactly that, so yes.

3 hours later 20006462 Anonymous
>>20006364 same except dad had to reach for the lotion jar. Didn't want to say anything until I finally told him that my brother was experimenting with sour cream and lotion. Couldn't watch him continue with the lotion

3 hours later 20006468 Anonymous
>be 13yr old me >discovered i can jizz on the carpet after missing my hand >keep doing it >turns into hard stain about 1.5ft diameter >many years pass, brother takes said room >asks about stain >reply "orange juice" >proceeds to play with legos on that area >tfw

3 hours later 20006471 Anonymous
>Left a fake vagina (Basically a fleshlight) on my desk one time. Came home and my mother had vacuumed my room. Fucking weird as shit too, cause I'm in my 20's. Back home while paying off school debt, and from the time I was like 12, my folks have gone in my room like three times total. Them odds, eh?

3 hours later 20006473 Anonymous
>fap in hand >wash hands when done Is this really so hard? Why do you guys have to resort to socks and jars?

3 hours later 20006488 Anonymous
>>20006473 Tissues exist you know.

3 hours later 20006493 Anonymous
>>20006473 you literally have a man's ejaculate on your hands.

3 hours later 20006498 Anonymous
>>20006364 Why do you jack into a Vitamin D bottle.

3 hours later 20006505 Anonymous
>>20006473 >Anonymous 05/17/13(Fri)02:08 No.20006473[] >>fap in hand >>wash hands when done > >Is this really so hard? Why do you guys have to resort to socks and jars? I'm pretty sure the common reason is because we were young. I did the majority of stupid shit fap related when I began puberty.

3 hours later 20006508 Anonymous
>>20006473 agreed. wtf america

3 hours later 20006509 Anonymous
>>20006473 Ew... Why not fap in a tissue and then wash hands?

3 hours later 20006518 Anonymous
>>20006493 By that idiocy you have a man's penis touching your body at every moment

3 hours later 20006521 Anonymous (Descartes-René.jpg 256x273 4kB)
>>20006498

3 hours later 20006527 Anonymous (1366334252687.gif 265x200 2055kB)
>>20006224 >capitalising gtfo >newfriend >fatty I think we all know who's new here.

3 hours later 20006528 Anonymous
>>20006521 lel

3 hours later 20006536 Anonymous
>>20006251 Yeah I wake up and shower, then go my first class, then workout.

3 hours later 20006537 Anonymous
>>20006527 >not getting "newfriend" Just leave already, faggot.

3 hours later 20006580 Anonymous (1360711932181.jpg 652x616 80kB)
>>20006537 Not sure if attempt at meta-trolling or just angry underage.

3 hours later 20006604 Anonymous (1362562521242.jpg 492x600 143kB)
>>20006527 Your new is showing

3 hours later 20006686 Anonymous
>be 5 at the fleamarket >find playboy calender as refrigerator magnet (dont ask it was the friggen 90s) >stare at it inexplicably in aww and wonder >hide it under my pillow so i can look at it again in the morning >wake up and its gone >everyone thinks it was my cousin 4 years older than me who had it >mfw

3 hours later 20006754 Anonymous (momfucker.jpg 722x630 121kB)
>>20003276 OP always tell this to the mom weird situation threads. >be me >bored, wants to masturbate >not in the mood, still go for it >Spits my dick and starts to think about pussys, hips and traps >20 min later going to cum but 1/3 erection >thefuckbro.jpg >i feel the cum, start doing it faster >it doesn't get bigger, my skin is loose >going to cum OH GOD >With the fury of a thousand suns i pull my skin to the base >i came but at the same time i feel a great pain >blood on the floor >OH SHIT OH SHIT >heard people talking i can't go there, i can't also tell this to anyone >put underwear on, blood on them now then proceed to get toilet paper >clean as fast as i could >think, " i can't throw them in a can, she will see them" >found old video card box, put blood paper on it after cleaning the floor full of cum and blood, it's all like a pasta sauce gone wrong or something. >>>fastforward 8 months >sleeping, mom doing full cleaning >heard her talking with grandma about some blood she found >IMFUCKED >she said, did he went to a cabaret or something or some girl >grandma said ask him, heard her say no and then i fall sleep again >tfw i had my first time with my hand

3 hours later 20006773 Anonymous
haha i just remembered one of the best of these that i almost forgot about >15 year olds >think im a badass carhopping with friends >accidentally rob the father of a kid who goes to our school >caught in the act, completely fucked, got away on foot but they recognized who we were >soon after parents wonder what other stolen shit i have >they threaten to call the police to come and search my room if wouldn't let them (i found out a year later that the cop will just show up and not give a fuck) >i agree >longest fucking 30 minutes of my life >i have to watch in horror as they pull out pictures of weird naked people that i drew out from under my bookcase, a used condom that i jacked off with, assorted collection of cum stained clothing >im sure there was more horrible stuff but thats all i can remember at the moment

3 hours later 20006827 Anonymous
>>20006518 d-does that make me g-gay?

3 hours later 20007105 Anonymous
>>20006773 nigger

3 hours later 20007178 Anonymous (image.jpg 238x212 24kB)
>>20006170

4 hours later 20007242 Anonymous (image.jpg 234x200 11kB)
>>20006527 U are a joke m8 Now turn 360 degrees and get out

4 hours later 20007300 Anonymous
>>20006773 Haha

4 hours later 20007532 Anonymous
>>20003867 If I was your dad I'd be proud good christian american straight son

4 hours later 20007927 Anonymous (frink.gif 490x400 26kB)
>>20003867 o god my sides >be 13 >same as this anon my dick was uncontrollable >Mowing lawn one day >I would have to throw away the grass in huge dumpster in alleyway >the dumpster is empty except for one playboy magazine >I tried every way to get this motherfucker out from rakes to using shovels >finally i said fuck it and jumped in >Sweet Jesus my first look at a playboy, it was glorious. >My knees were weak from all the tits and ass >I tried to get out but this dumpster was huge, it was as tall as me and i was a fattass >i new i was stuck >I couldn't call for help because of the boner >to fap or not to fap, that is never the question >came so fast and and hard inside that dumpster >After about what i thought was hours i heard my dad out side >shit shit shit i need an excuse >could not think of one >tried to hide the playboy underneath a thin layer of cut grass >i also tore out some pages and put it in my pocket for later use >Call out to my dad >when he get here hes like wtf happened >m-my glasses.... >he helped me out and told me to finish mowing the lawn i think he saw the playboy but i dont know ill ask him when he is 80 It was a july 4th theme or something, huge tit blonde good fap material for months

4 hours later 20008041 Anonymous
>tfw caught fapping to late night fitness infomercials

4 hours later 20008067 Anonymous
>>20006493 fuckin lol'd

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