4chan archive /adv/ (index)
2020-03-18 06:54 22004735 Anonymous ex bf (sadyui.jpg 1280x718 102kB)
crazy bitch back again. story: >2 years dating total, >after a year and a half, on and off for 6 months >broke up with me, cause mistake I did when we were broken up >broken up 3 months now, chatted on and off >after some time, decided strict no contact >get mad that he said he had feelings for me but thinks we shouldn't get back together >tell him don't ever contact me again angrily >no contact about 4 weeks now >messages me "did you unblock me" He doesn't want to get back with me because our relationship was toxic past 6 months. I still really want to get back with him but understand it won't happen and am trying to move on. But all of a sudden he messages me "did you unblock me" I don't know if I should message him back cause maybe he wants to get back. But if not then I'm gonna have to start over the process again. I am very proud of making it 4 weeks without contact with him and have been doing good about it. But if I message him it'll ruin the streak and he might not even want to get back, just to check on me see how i'm doing type bullshit. tl;dr: should I message him or nah, why did he ask me this after 4 weeks no contact

25 min later 22004822 Anonymous
>>22004735 When you say that the relationship was toxic the past 6 months, do you mean that he was toxic to you? Or did you mean that you were toxic to him? (or both, really). Also, what was the mistake you made when you were broken up? You said that you were on and off, but were you on a break or actually broken up? First of all, we kinda need the things above to really tell you any constructive opinions. If you truly want to get back together though, I would tell him that as long as you make it clear that you both would need to move on and try your best to make the relationship a healthy one. If you don't think it's possible to have a healthy relationship with him, then don't respond. I was in a similar situation with an ex-gf, where she broke up with me and then started dating a friend. A couple months later she wanted to be with me again, and although we tried for a while, I ultimately broke up with her because the relationship was toxic and she had gone off and immediately found someone after breaking up with me, and all in all I knew some things were gonna bother me forever. If your ex also feels like he wouldn't be able to get over this mistake of yours, it's probably for the best that you two split

54 min later 22004894 Anonymous
>>22004822 I was being toxic to him. Not to victimize myself but the situation was toxic to me because I had been obsessing over his romantic past and harassing him about it because I was hurt and I couldn't deal with it properly. Yes, toxic to both of us. We broke up and got back together many times during the six months, I think maybe once or twice we went on a break. During one week we were broken up I was sexual (no sex) with another guy cause I thought that doing that would make things even with my ex bf because he was sexual (no sex) with another girl months before we dated. I was torn over my ex bf's sexual past I was a kissless virgin basically before I met him. And I found out he wasn't and it kept bothering me and eating away at me. If we do get back together, it would be under the fact that we'd both move on from all of the past stuff that had been going on. My fear is if I do respond and we dont get back together, then my 4 weeks of no contact streek is ruined. And I was very proud of that. I'm also worried he's pulling that bullshit where we talk less and less so he can get over me but I don't want to fucking do that I want to rip the band aid off and just straight up cut off contact.

1 hours later 22004916 Anonymous
>>22004822 Once u take a "break"(it's a break up). The relationship is over. You are supposed to handle this bump in your relationship together. If you can't handle this as two adults now, you won't be able to handle bigger problems later. Just end it for fuck sakes

1 hours later 22004957 Anonymous
>>22004916 okay, but my question is should I respond to him asking if I blocked him Im not asking if we should get back together

1 hours later 22005023 Anonymous
Don't reply to him. You are reopening the wound every time you are in contact with him. At this rate, things will never heal if you keep playing this game with him.

2 hours later 22005141 Anonymous
1/2 >>22004894 Wait, so he was sexual with a girl months before you guys started dating? If this was before the relationship had even started, what are you expecting from him? It's unreasonable to ask him to somehow change his past from before you two were dating. If you were uncomfortable with his past, you should have avoided dating him. On the other hand, you guys were on a break because you were upset about him having an experience with someone other than you, correct? How would you have felt if the situation was reversed? Let's say you had had one experience with someone else before him, you two go on a break because it upsets him so much, and then he goes and has a sexual relation with someone while you have feelings for him, during that complicated time? I can't see it feeling too good. Look, this is coming from someone who has a body count of two, and both of those are from long term relationships - one for 7 years, and one for 2 years currently. I don't regard sex or anything like it lightly. At the same time, I really think you messed up a good thing being so fixated on this one experience he had before your relationship even started. It's rare to find people who don't sleep around in the first place, and it sounds like me that you both got caught up in this whirlwind of emotions stemming from this one thing. Also, you say that you were 'basically' a kissless virgin - what do you mean by that? It sounds like you did have an experience of some kind.

2 hours later 22005143 Anonymous
2/2 In the end, it's up to you to decide what to do. Here's the way I see it: If you really think it's best that you break up, then don't respond. On the other hand, if you feel like you could get over the fact that he had an experience before you (which you really should at this point, no offence) and he can get over you finding someone during a break, then you can give it another try. If you do, though, make sure to have a talk about moving forward from the issues that you both had - I'm not saying that you both can't discuss them, but I'm saying that they shouldn't be constantly unearthed and used as ammo against each other. It would be hard, but if you really think he's worth it I would try to discuss it with him. Additionally, DONT let the power dynamic of the relationship be tipped by this. You can't beg him to get back together with you and let him walk all over you in the relationship if you do get back together. It's tough, and I've been there too - I get it. I broke up with my ex because she was abusive, but I honestly might have given it another try otherwise. In the end I think you were being a bit silly about it and may have ruined the relationship over something that doesn't really matter in the long run, but I understand how it feels to know that your significant other has been with someone else before you. It doesn't feel good, and it eats away at you until you get over it. I would remember that for the time that you were together, he wanted to be with YOU. It wasn't some other woman he wanted, he was in love with you, and only wanted to be with you. I think it's unfair to judge him on the fact that he had an experience with some other woman before you got to him. >>22004916 That's not completely true. A 'break' is whatever the two parties agree to - if they stated that it was functionally equivalent to a temporary breakup that's one thing, but if they agreed on certain terms then that's what it would hinge on.

2 hours later 22005196 Anonymous
This is absurd. You were obsessive over his past because he was with a girl MONTHS before he dated you? You made him feel shitty about it and then you CHEATED on him to make it "even"? What the fuck is wrong with you? Leave this poor guy alone. He's reaching out because he's worried about you and your fucking mental disorders. I bet he's traumatized by your behavior. Just fucking drop it and move on. You're a psychopath.

3 hours later 22005238 Anonymous
>>22005141 He can't change his past. I am disgusted that he wanted to make out with her when they weren't even dating. They were interested in each other. It's not rare to find guys who are virgins and don't sleep around. I didn't mean to make it sound like that, but I did not have any experience before him. I didn't kiss or hold hands with another guy. I never did anything sexual with another guy before him. He would never take advantage of me hes a good guy that doesn't think at all sometimes like with dating his ex gf or that one girl he was seeing but not dating. I don't give a fuck that now he's in love with me. If we went of the basis that only the now matters, then that would mean people should be okay with dating post whores or camgirls as long as they love each other and do whats within comfortable boundaries. I would never date a guy who used to be a slut. My ex was not a slut at all which I am happy about but I was just making an example. It is not unfair to judge. He made those choices himself so I have every right to judge. He can judge me for everything I have done as well cause that's how things should be.

3 hours later 22005287 Anonymous
>>22005238 I'm sorry, but there's some real cognitive dissonance here. You're disgusted with your ex for making out with a girl that he wasn't dating, yet you stooped to his level? You realize that in doing this, you no longer have any room to complain about his actions. Yes, you had every right to judge him on his actions before, but if you yourself have done the same, how can you honestly see what he did as beneath you or disgusting? You did it yourself, so it obviously isn't beneath you at all. You might say that you're disgusted with yourself; if so, then why the fuck did you do it? If you're telling yourself that the only reason you did it to was to get even with him, I'm going to be honest brutally honest - that's pathetic. If you judge him for his actions, it's like a crackhead judging a heroin addict for having a drug problem.

3 hours later 22005314 Anonymous
>>22005287 I am disgusted because he wanted to do that type of shit. I didn't do it because I wanted that type of experience to enjoy it, I did it because I wanted to get back at him and make things even because I thought it would make me feel better. But it did not, and now I'm stuck with doing that shit in my past and I hate it. I was very angry and drunk at the time I did that shit. I'm still gonna judge him because he wanted to kiss her and grope her and finger her when not dating her. I still do not want that type of interaction.

3 hours later 22005326 Anonymous
>>22005287 I know I sound really shitty, he is a wonderful person and I do love him a lot, but I kept ruminating on his past and it just tore me apart.

3 hours later 22005332 Anonymous
>>22005314 It's understandable to not want that kind of interaction. At the same time, it doesn't make what you did ANY better because you did it out of spite. Being angry and drunk isn't an excuse either. Do what you want to do in the future, not what you think will make you even. Look, at this point I've said my opinion. You can continue to judge your ex for doing the same thing that you yourself have done, and see where it gets you in your next relationship - what if they break up with you for having a previous relationship and making out with someone outside of a relationship? They would be perfectly right to do so if they cared about it and had not done it themselves. After hearing all of this - the answer to your question at the very top? Don't talk to him.

3 hours later 22005345 Anonymous
>>22005332 thanks for the help, I'm not gonna reply.

3 hours later 22005346 Anonymous
Ngl man, you keep on flip flopping like crazy. I still think that you could make it work if you both drop the shit holding you back, but you need to do it with conviction rather than the back and forth I've seen this entire thread. You spend one post talking about how he's a great amazing person and how much you love him, and you spend the next talking about how disgusting he is and how you don't want to be with him. I'm not saying this out of spite, but do you have borderline personality disorder or anything like that? Either way, you need to sort out your opinions and what really matters to you before you should be in a relationship with him or anyone else, for that matter.

4 hours later 22005404 Anonymous
>>22005346 I love him a lot and I hate this shit holding me back it bothers me. Every time I been on here I keep getting told or asked if I have BPD lmao. I haven't been to a real therapist so idk if I have it or not.

4 hours later 22005451 Anonymous
>>22005404 I have more exposure to people with the condition than most, since my ex had borderline. It's a pretty tumultuous disorder, and it's both hard to live with and hard to live with someone who has it. They tend to flip back and forth between idolizing a person and thinking they're worthless; their emotions are stronger than they are for most people, and they're more likely to do things in the heat moment out of spite and anger. From those things alone, it seems to me like it's possible that you might have it. I don't know if you identify with this at all, but I would look at the symptoms of the disorder and try to go see a therapist if you feel it fits. Medication + therapy goes a long way, but you have to want to get better to do those things and really commit. My ex didn't. Anyways, good luck OP - being aware that you have a problem is only half the battle

4 hours later 22005454 Anonymous
>>22004894 >his past drove me to attack him by using other people to try and get back at him My guess is he'll hit you up if he wants to get laid, but if he wants a life partner who gives a shit about his well-being he'll be barking up other trees

4 hours later 22005463 Anonymous
>>22005454 absafuckinglutley not. If he was that type of person I would not be dating him. He's the best thing and a sweetheart he would never do that type shit. He hasnt met my family or been to my house and he lives far away so that can't even happen. >>22005451 I had researched it a lot and considered I had it but I really don't want to self diagnose. If I do have it then I can brag to all of those self diagnosing mental disorder people and be like I actually have a mental problem. But if I don't have it then oh well.

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